I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
