he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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