If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
