it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
