Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
