Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
