my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
