last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
