Say something about gay babies.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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