I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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