my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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