I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
