ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
