i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
