the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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