I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
