saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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