As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
