I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
