everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
