She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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