I am spending my child support on dildos
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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