You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
