Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
