All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
