My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
