You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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