tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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