Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found a bag of teeth...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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