apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I didn't notice because vodka
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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