Umm I'm too high to move.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
