so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
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He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together