We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.