I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
