I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
