I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
