I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
