You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
