You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
