He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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