i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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