remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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