i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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