I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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