Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
