im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
