someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My bed smells like the plague
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
