im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
