You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
