I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
