So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
