Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
