My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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