I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
