I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
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he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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