I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
