I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
