OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
