someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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