Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
